The Josefin Ekstrom Testimony

Testimony

Striving for perfection made me terrible afraid of making mistakes

Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to do good things, wanted to be a nice person…  But I have also always been tremendously afraid of making mistakes; that people would get crossed with me, and so disappointed that they would leave me behind. The feeling of not being good enough has always haunted me and for many years it tore a big hole in my soul.

First visit at Ethembeni and the Family Centre

When I was here three years ago I felt so happy, relaxed and so complete in this Christian environment. I have not ever had that feeling before. I knew that all of you were working as Gods servants; Claire and I had long and long discussions about God and Christianity every day in the car out to Mpophomeni. And I had thousands of questions! I did also go to the church every Sunday with my host family – Rob and Bridget Langley.

Still not good enough for God

But I couldn’t feel Gods presence inside me, I couldn’t grasp the whole picture of how He is working through us. I didn’t think I was good enough – even not good enough for God… So back in Sweden the wonderful feeling of completeness, from my South African experience with you, eventually faded away and my soul was left with a big hole of darkness again. A hole I tried to fill with all sorts of stupid things.

Turning point

The turning point came when my Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer in July 2011, and a cousin of mine who is Christian gave me a book she thought I should read. However it took me a year to open that book. In September 2012 I felt that I was on my way to fall into the black hole of my soul again. I was about to go into a deep depression with an outcome I don’t want to think about. However, my life on the “outside” was shining bright: I had a nice job, many wonderful friends, Mums treatment was going very well and she grew stronger and stronger for every day. You couldn’t even tell she had cancer. But I knew this would just be for a temporary period. It had been so clear for me that my loving Mum who I loved more than my own life would sooner or later leave me, leave me behind. Why her? Why not me I was questioning?! Mum loves her life, she is such a happy person and I was not… I didn’t like being who I was. I didn’t want to live! My life was worthless, I was worthless,  a such rotten person like me shall not be walking on this beautiful earth… So I thought:  “It is now or never Josefin! You must make a big change NOW! You have tried everything else to find peace in your life, everything from having a super tidy and perfect home to doing yoga early Sunday mornings. Why don’t start reading that book you have had sitting in your kitchen window for a year now…!?”

Jesus came into my heart to stay forever and ever…

So at my wits end I started to read the book, which is called “100 days with Jesus”. Every day I read a verse from the book of John as well as some thoughtful comments from the author. Each day ended with a spiritual task like “try to picturing Jesus in front of you”, “try to see every single person you are meeting today as a child of God”, try to hand over all your worries to Jesus today”. I don’t know when it happened but slowly I started to sense a new feeling of peace in my heart and in my mind I started to formulate two statements which made me realize that I had found my faith in God, that Jesus was working inside me and that I had finally come home to my loving Father. The two statements were:

Compare to my Mum and all other beloved family members and friends walking on this earth, JESUS will never ever leave my side. He was here when I was born, He is here with me today in this very moment and He will be with me tomorrow, forever and ever.

JESUS will always love me no matter how much I think I'm failing. Understanding that God created me with the purpose just like I am, I never need to doubt my right to exist anymore. (1 Cor 4:3-5)

So finding my faith in Jesus has given my life a complete new meaning - He gives me a strength that I've never felt before. A strength which I hope and pray for can help me be a better person - a servant in the name of Christ.

Returning to Ethembeni – Place of Hope

To all of you who works at Ethembeni, the Family Centre, volunteers from Howick Community Church and of course to my Christian Family – Rob and Bridget Langley – who always let me stay with them while I am here: Thank you thank you billions of time for planting a seed of God's spirit in me. Staying with you and working in a Christian environment was definitely a very important step in the process of what I became to realize these last couple of months…

And now I’m here again sharing your hope and trust in God and effort to every day trying to live his way. It just makes me want to sing, laugh and cry at the same time!

So finally I would like to share a poem that came into my mind in October last year after being a Christian for a month, which encourage me and reminds me how I shall keep on struggling in a sometimes very dark world.

“God,
with your voice inside me,
I will be heard.
God,
with your light inside me,
I will be seen.
God,
with you in my life,
I dare to live.

Josefin Ekström,

Howick, South Africa
January 16, 2013